I Was Afraid To Choose

Life is just a composition of moments congealed together. I love my life and each day I think about that. Each moment is a decision and I find myself not making choices. It seems a terrible waste and shame. Often times I don't know what to choose and I worry about every long term effect that could occur down the road. And always the roads have a down side or less than desirable trail along the way. And I find myself in a state of paralysis. What if I choose wrong? What if I don't choose the right choice? And is there just one choice?

So instead of choosing, embracing, and trusting in myself, my husband, kids, family, friends to deal with the outcome I succumb to doing nothing. But life still goes on and those around me continue to have their moments and make their choices. And my not doing anything was a choice in itself. I just sort of figured that I couldn't be responsible for any of the bad if I didn't choose it. And accepting all the praise of the good seemed easier anyway.

Yes my life is good, but that is because I have a loving Heavenly Father. And anything good has come from him and my dependence on him whether I can admit it day to day or not. So when did I stop being so dependent on him? Why when I didn't know what to do, didn't I ask him? Surely he knows the answers. And I believe in his being there for me, I believe in his omniscience, but I forget. The default of routine and monotony is comfortable. Nothing is required of me except a series of physical motions to keep the day from sliding into chaos.

Maybe I would feel okay about that if not for the realization that hundreds of millions of people long for that in the world everyday. To know that someone is in control beyond them. To know that God exists and loves them personally. To know that they could receive any answer they needed from him at any time. And so as one of my wisest friend's says "he calls me back and gently humbles me. I thought I could do it on my own, but now I see." What a selfish cad I've been. My greatest blessings aren't my life and the things in them, but one core truth that I have "a loving, very real, Father in Heaven".

So I take this opportunity, this very public forum to let you all - my friends and cybersurfers alike - know that I know. I know the things I've written are true. I know so many other truths as well about my life before here and life after here. And I know that all of these things are founded in the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know that one day I will live with my Heavenly Father again. Maybe I forget to remember him as much as I should, but he loves and reminds me and I love those reminders. Maybe I can help another remember too, or learn for the first time.