Mundane Moments

Alert: This blog is for me, no one else. It will probably be boring and long. Spare yourself.

Life right now is good and I can't complain. Often times I still do, I don't know what it is in my nature or nature in general. Nothing bad is going on, as is nothing over the top good, minus the house thing which I have already talked myself to death about. I really have nothing to write about, yet I find myself wanting to write. I guess I have a need to preserve the moments that feel so absolutely minor as well as major.

The things on my mind right now are random at best starting with Bella and her constant hearing dilemna. It has become such an annoyance more than anything that with each particular ear infection she temporarily is losing her hearing. Once the congestion subsides so does the loss of her hearing. I suspect she may need tubes, but being raised in a family where modern medicine is rated as overly used, I keep waiting - hoping for her body to right itself.

The boys are good and becoming such cute playmates. I enjoyed an especially fun hour or so with them last night after dinner. I got hit with plastic bats and karate chops and kicks. We did a lot of running in the house circle. It was so loud with squealing, but it just reenforced my feeling that this was a world of good for them and me. Truly a bonding moment with the boys.

Dakota, Dak, Kody, the man with many names is still doing so good. There is no clear name for this boy yet. Everyone keeps trying different ones out in hopes that something will just suit. I think he will be a Bella, who depending on the context of the situation will lend to a different nickname. Only just this past week did Bella tell me upon being asked that she probably perfers Bella the best. But she doesn't mind being called all the others. Anyway...Dakota continues to sleep so well. He is so happy, mellow, and easy. He does wonders for me in that our relationship is so comfortable. I don't have to do much to entertain him. He is content to sit or play or watch. I have never had a child like him, Wyatt comes close, but even Wyatt's mellow nature couldn't compare to Kody's. It makes me both worried and excited about what our other future children will be like. He makes me think, foolishly, I can handle more. We'll see, one day at a time.

As for Travis, he is my light. I had a horrible dream the other night that he died. The first that I remember like this. And I don't know how he died and that wasn't important, but the feeling of loss I had was so overwhelmingly enormous. In my dream the anxiety was so real and palpable. It was suffocating and I cried until I couldn't breath. When I woke up I just felt relief. It was such an eye opener. I have never believed Travis was anything but the best, except in proud and stupid fighting moments that lasted minutes before my ridiculousness was realized. But it once again deepened my appreciation for him, for our love, friendship, and bond. And although in my dream I was worried about life, finances, and realistic worries, I was beside myself with the loss of my best friend.

This is the man who when he goes to work a little piece of me goes with him. I feel sad each day when he leaves and excited when he gets home. I miss him. I never felt like without him I wasn't whole, but in my dream the reality hit. I am dependent on him. Me, someone who prides herself on independence, might have a little more need for him than I thought. After building my life around him for almost nine years, the thought of him not being there reminded me of the collapse that would occur. Life as I know it now would not exist. Sure I would live, go on, but it would be rebuilding something new from scratch. Maybe that is because I was so young when we started dating, 17, but we are intertwined.

Anyway...enough of depressing thoughts. At the temple the other night he said the most beautiful thing. Neither of us are very poetic or sentimental, but he said if I died it would take him a while to get over me. And although that is not much to most people it was the world to me, because of the intensity he said it with and because of the context, which would take to long to explain and almost cheapen the moment.

As for all else, I have recovered my long lost best friend, Deb. I love spending time with her again after years of irregular visits. She works night shifts and so I go spend the first few hours with her. Last night from nine to midnight. It wreaks havoc the next morning, but worth it. She is the girl version of Travis. She helps me see my potential, builds me up, and mellows me out. Last night she retaught me the value of not being judgemental. Something I know logically, but can't seem to apply emotionally in my day to day life. She is a gift.

I am overwhelmed with the love my Heavenly Father has for me. My husband and friends are the greatest people in the world, that I have ever known. I feel like I am not on the same level as them, but am glad they still want to be married to me and friends with me. Candice if you got this far I am thinking of you too and miss you. Move to PA and lets pick up where we were. As for my family they are the funniest and funnest people to be with. And with all that love and emotion comes a fair amount of drama, but 99 out of 100 days I welcome it just so that I can feel the intensity of their love.

Conference is this weekend and I feel excited. It is very bittersweet. I am annoyed at the inconvenience of not being in Utah and having it on NBC. Some people say it is on cable, some say it is not, some say all the sessions but Priesthood are airred others say just the Sunday morning. I am torn between what my actions should be considering every potential outcome. And Bella has a birthday party at Chuck E' Cheese on Saturday at noon. The time for the first session to start out here. I am letting her go, because I feel like she needs this, but am sad that I may miss that first session. Hopefully it is on cable and I can just DVR it. Man is that the coolest technology ever or what. I have become totally spoiled. Eeeks.

Well I must make dinner, get the house in order, finish chores, and get the kids set for the evening and prep for Family Home Evening. I told you this would be boring, but hey it's your fault you read on. I love my life even the dull moments.