Vulnerable

This is going to be lengthy, but I am not going to apologize.

I was laying in bed just a few minutes ago. My mind still whirling at 100 miles per hour with thoughts, despite the time 12:56am. Not late by some standards, but for me unfathomable. These thoughts were spurred by many things and I knew that I wanted to get those things out. I figured I would blog them tomorrow, but tonight will have to work since I don't know if I will sleep till then.

I have the most wonderful family. They are loving, warm, kind, and generous, but most of all fun. I don't tell you all enough how much I love you guys and even more I don't neccesarily show you with physical affection. I think I may have turned a corner on that with my soul searching tonight. I digress.

James, I love you as one of my own children. I have long suspected this, but only upon having children did I confirm my suspicion to be true. I know you don't need an extra mother or parent by any means and I watch from afar like I do with my own kids, giving you time and space to figure things out, hoping that measured risk or danger will prove to be the ultimate healing for you. More than that I feel bonded to you, by our shared experiences if by nothing else. I can't explain it, it just is. I love you. Be wise.

Elizabeth, I am so proud of you. You have the ability to love mankind in a way I can't. Call it loyalty to country, marriage, whatever...But you love without worrying about the risk or outcome. Many times I have seen you get hurt by this, often times by me, but you are true to the gift you have been given. And I know that you can love this way because of hope. Maybe someday I will learn to hope and love like you. And I know that someday that love will pay off big, when that special someone loves you the way you love all people.

Peter you can do anything. You are driven and motivated. You conquer fears and demons everyday, but I don't know anyone who could be so loving and good a father to those little girls like you are. You are tender and kind, and I'll never forget the day you told me that life was hard and that all you ever wanted to be for your kids was a soft place to fall or something to that affect. And each day I am learning that all my ideas of what kids should be and do prevent me from being their soft place. Thanks for reminding me.

Phillip you are so sensitive to others. You may be teased but you are one of the few I know who cries on behalf of other's pain. And that kind of empathy is a gift. Because of that you stick up for the underdog, you defend the defenseless, and fix the broken. You listen well and because of that I have felt like I could always talk to you about most anything. When I need an honest perspective I can count on you. Thank you for being there for me.

Benj - spawner of all these thoughts - you have an ability to forgive that is unmatched. Also a sensitive spirit, as is all of our family, I see you forgive time and time again those who hurt you. I see you work to build relationships that I would have let go of or settled for less a long time ago. You are so generous and just this week a sister missionary told me a little thing that you did and I was so proud to be your sister.

Joseph you try so hard. I have never seen anyone so focused. You work to live up to every expectation. You have accomplished a lot. Your ability to do so much with your time has been an example of hard work to me. Your love of your siblings prompts you to do good things and I am grateful. Your obedience to gospel principles makes you a bit of an outsider in a family of rebels, but I know that the reward is worth all the sacrifice.

LuAnn, you are a good Mom. You love, encourage, and support your kids. You always have great things to say about everyone of them and would go to the ends of the Earth to take care of them. You have learned so many of the skills Mom has taught us and you practice them till they are perfected. You have always opened your home to my family and been like a second mom or a much older sister around the holidays and forever I am grateful to be with you and family.

Carla and Carol - for me more than you - I wonder what you are like and when I will get to meet you. I wonder what you had figured out so well before you came here and what I will learn from you guys. I am sure it is spectacular.

Gina you have an ability to accept people as they are without judgement. I am not sure I will ever learn that, but I grow by leaps and bounds just watching you. You are generous with what you have, you are thoughtful to remember every special occasion under the sun, but most of all you have always been open to building a relationship with me despite the age gap, distance, and a childhood of not really knowing you. Thank you for that.

Timna and Kanah, I can't begin to say I know you guys as well as I should. But I have scattered childhood memories of you and visits and not a single one of them is anything but good. Despite the intricacies of our unique and blended family you have both been kind and loving towards me, a notorious brat. And now that I live closer we'll see what I can do about bridging the distance.

Sabrina you have always been a constant presence in my life. You are so consistent and I love the security I feel from that. You are warm and caring and often are concious of the small details that others forget or miss. I love how enthusiastic you are at each joy or success in my life and feel like you are just as happy for me as I am for myself. You do that same thing for everyone else and it shows.

David, my oldest sibling, you have shown me how to love family. You ignore every flaw of every sibling and parent and see only good. You have loved equally and evenly everyone of us despite bloodlines. You have shown a charity I seldom see in people, but long to learn. I am honored to be in your presence because of your wisdom. You have welcomed me warmly to Lancaster and I love you for it.

I am sure I will be embarrassed by this come morning light, but not enough to remove it. I love each one of you and maybe not in the ways you want to be loved and maybe I haven't pointed out the strengths you wish I would see, but I am working on it. You all push, pull, and lead me to grow at different times and in different ways. My heart is filled with love because everything positive about me is a direct indicator of the type of people you all are. And I think that both you and I are incredible. I love you all. Goodnight.

I am going to be hurting tomorrow.