Saturday, February 9, 2013

Reshaping It

Sometimes my life is just plain hard.  For example my childhood years were filled with turmoil and physical pain and distress as my parents were both a little crazy and preoccupied with their hatred towards one another and sometimes me to be overly attentive towards my needs.  My high school experience was abysmal because I didn't have support in school either academically or extracurricularly.  I was taken across the country to college at age 17 and deposited in Idaho by my brother, both my parents opting to not sacrifice what they were doing in their life or on their vacation in Utah visiting with other friends and family to be bothered.  My dad had said he would pay for my college education but after one semester cut me off cold turkey and without warning leaving me totally and completely financially ruined.  In college I had a very tumultuous relationship with the man I am now married to.  I often wonder if he would have married me had I not given him the most intense sales job of his life.  In our first years of marriage we moved 6 times in four years and often without him having employment anywhere we moved.  I had children very young and very close, 4 in 5 years, causing large amounts of stress and financial burden at times.  We still haven't sold our Utah house and sometimes the burden of two mortgages gives me unbelievable stress.  I sometimes feel claustrophobic with how much I am at home and now that we live in Pennsylvania and are somewhat settled I feel stifled and wonder when the kids will be all grown up and I will get MY life back.

On the other hand...growing up I had some of the closest relationships with my siblings ever.  I had a million experiences as my parent's eccentricities led us to raising bees and having the largest garden I have ever encountered, among other notable adventures including motorcycles, boats, campers, beach houses, and cabins.  At a young age I learned what was important in life, who I was and what I wanted for my life and how to be independent both financially and emotionally.  My high school years were filled with hundreds of moments filled with gut wrenching laughter and shenanigans.  Upon arriving at college, I met and made immediate lifelong friendships.  I found my soul mate before the semester even officially started and we spent every minute challenging one another on our every belief making sure we were compatible for eternity.  By 20 I was married, had my first child, and had graduated from college.  I have lived all over the United States, visited every state finishing this year with the Hawaii and often been able to indulge my vagabond tendencies.  My husband is such a hard worker, very skilled and simply a genius and so we have never worried about him finding employment or suitably providing for us.  By age 30 I owned two homes, our own business and all my children, who are more our best buddies than kids, are in school.  I still enjoy the luxury of never having to work and using my time to volunteer in civic, school, and church service endeavors.  I wait anxiously for our children to grow up so I can see what amazing adults and people they will become and look forward to the day that our financial independence will allow my husband and I to travel the world and serve the Lord serving mission after mission while we are still young and full of energy shipping our children and their families to visit us all over the world.

I write this post to illustrate a point.  Both these paragraphs cover the very exact same events in life.  All of the things and feelings I have written are expressly true.  Point being that how you contextualize an experience really gives shape to who you are and how you view things.  Since I think anyone who knows me can better reconcile me with the narrative voice of the second paragraph I really don't feel like I did or can do the first justice.  Regardless I say to each of you...I see who you are, not with your words but with how you shape them.  Be of Good Cheer!


The Congers said...

Hey just letting you know I'm reading. Thanks for all the fun and thought provoking reads!

candice said...

just wanted to say that although i do enjoy reading your thoughts- my comment is that you are looking super cute in the cowboy hat picture!!! is it recent? your hair looks so long and luscious! maybe that is superficial after your thought provoking post! scott is working with travis as i type this! you are in our thoughts you always and forevver!!!

Alisa said...

Love this post, Mary! Just last night we had a really good scripture discussion with the boys. We were reading in 1st Nephi (17) where L & L could only see the bad, even though Nephi has just lined out all the MANY things they were blessed with in their travels.
We all struggle. We all feel down or depressed at times and honestly, we have every right to those feelings. But it doesn't change the fact the Lord blessed us and continues too. It is up to us whether we see it that way or not.