Dear Wyatt,
In one week and one day you will leave for Brazil for two years. I keep watching you and thinking. I keep cherishing every "last" moment and I keep mourning what was one of the best phases of my life, being your mom. I guess that role won't end, but it will definitely change and it is that change that has me all introspective. When you were little I believe I wrote a letter for you that was supposed to be opened on your 18th birthday. Clearly I didn't give it to you this past year at 18, and I don't know if I even know where it is now, or if I even wrote it. And so, sadly starts the phase of my life where once I could say things with 100% surety as I have always had a fantastic memory, I now hesitate and allow a lot more room, because there are certainly things I am starting to forget.
So I never forget the things I am thinking now as I watch you sleep on this Sunday afternoon on the couch right by me with the dog right by you, I wanted to write you this open love letter. Let me start by saying I love you so much, I have loved you every day of your life, in a way I never could have imagined, am constantly surprised by, and I am given more delight in the giving of that love than any other thing I have done to be happy. You are on the right path, a good path, an eternal path with far more significance, meaning, and purpose than most people know. Please make the daily course corrections you need to stay centered on that path. It may be tedious some days, hard others, and a cake walk on a select few, but that path when on it tends to feel really good, and at the end is the best reward. Seriously daily course correction. I know, you know what I mean now, but remember it forever, every day for as many days as you have.
Wyatt, from 9 weeks old in utero you revealed yourself to me in a million ways that I have maybe added significance to throughout the years, but more likely I now can understand and interpret the language of Wyatt in a way I couldn't when you were in utero. So at nine weeks I started feeling you move. Doctors didn't think it was possible, other mothers were skeptical, but your Dad believed me. I didn't know if that meant you were going to be active or an athlete, but I knew you were moving. Knowing you now, I know that once your big brain was fully formed you needed to figure things out and explore and I have no doubt that is what you were doing then. I have since learned that around 8 weeks a baby's brain develops to the point to dictate movement. I am sure your natural curiosity was testing the equipment even at that early age. By age 1.5 years old you were talking in multiword sentence, by 3 you would ask me what your options were, by 4 you had taught yourself the letters of your name and how to write them without me every once showing you, but just having it on the refrigerator spelled out in magnet letters.
Your child temperament was always mild, accommodating, easy, and pretty self soothing in nature. You would sit and watch cartoons for long periods of time when I needed, but were just as happy if I told you to entertain yourself with toys or books. By early elementary school you were wowing the world with both your intelligence but even more your sweet disposition. Most every year K-4, except one, I think you earned the Principal's Award, given to one girl and boy in each class who stood out. Occasionally you would earn a bit of a reproof or correction but almost always with good spirit and a willingness to obey. As you got older, Dad and I marveled at your name meaning - little warrior, because it didn't fit you at all, not even a little. You laughed easily, had many friends, a few close friends, and life was pretty good.
As we neared the teen years, things were still going okay. This was a phase dreaded by many parents, but with mild issues with Isabella and no signs from you I thought we would sail through these years. In middle school you continued your sweet personality, and good grades, and added sports like volleyball and soccer to your list of loves and you did pretty well at both considering we had never been the parents to start our kids at a little age. By the summer after 7th grade we had decided to move to Texas and you were our most resistant child. You were angry and moody. You cried the day we moved into our new house and flung yourself on your bed. My heart broke at your misery, but even more at your inability to choose to be happy. School continued to go okay in Texas even with the frustrations of limited academic support or programs suited to your "gifted" nature.
But by the beginning of high school you were a bit of a nightmare. Puberty with you had been far worse than with Isabella. Your mood swings were much more frequent and far wider in range. You turned into an angry child. Travis joked that your warrior self had finally come to play. Now I say this and still I recognize how blessed we were, because even through all of this you remained largely sweet to children and infants, quick to give me hugs and kisses and check in when leaving and returning home. You toggled some new friends and overall after a few serious worries about your growing rage issues and worrying for your siblings physical safety, you popped out on the other side of the worst of it. You weren't near as angry, but instead you had grown just a bit cynical, judgmental, and worst of all your comments reflected some of the values of the media and ideals around you which were laced with some good old fashioned sexism and a healthy dose of pride. Yet in all this you were fully engaged in church whether by force and coercion or choice is to be determined - I'm sure in another few years you will tell me.
Eventually you outgrew most of that too. Your last year or two of high school turned the corner and again returned back to my favorite version of you. The smart, quick witted, funny boy who couldn't pass up a ridiculous joke because laughing is just too good. You got very serious about a mission and started making changes in your life and habits to prepare. You read scriptures mostly daily, prayed nightly, and worked hard to live consistent with the standards, sometimes better at the do nots, than the do's. I got better at waiting patiently for you to learn under the Lord's tutelage and timeframe instead of my own and you bloomed and blossomed into this amazing man.
You are smart, you know this and so does anyone who has talked to you for more than 10 minutes. And sometimes you worry that is all you are, but I promise you the best bits of your are not your brain power and intellect. Wyatt, you have so many amazing attributes and not just because we share more than a few - much to your alleged chagrin (I believe you are more okay with it than you like to admit). You are kind and thoughtful, a great teacher and helper. You have so much patience but crazy high expectations for yourself and everyone around you which sometimes comes off as judgmental or unforgiving - neither of which things you are. Your warrior self has never revealed it self more than in this age and stage. You are a devoted disciple of Christ. You are engaged in living life now trying to be exactly who he needs you to be and to serve the people and the places you are called to.
Yes you are leaving for Brazil next week, but you have a life planned that includes so many righteous goals and pursuits. There are no limits to your preferences and you have a plan with big things outlined and trust that the details will sort themselves out. You have this mission, college with majors and minors - that may change, grad school, careers, etc... You have a description of your wife that you are watching for and a desire to continue to learn and to grow like no one else I have ever known. You aren't afraid of doing new, hard things and once you decide to do something you are "all in". So many parts of the gospel and your testimony have clicked into place this year. Continue to get "all in" on the rest of them. Nothing will serve you more, make you happier, help you succeed than being "all in" on things of eternal significance. I will miss you immensely my sweet Wyatt. Two years is way too long even with weekly phone calls, but I have never wanted anything more for you than I do this experience. Go serve in the Lord's army, in the youth battalion, be his warrior, and bring a whole host of others to Christ with your fiercely burning testimony of Jesus Christ and the Plan of Salvation. Remember that it isn't about the two years, but what they represent. This is the start of you choosing for yourself what you want out of life and what you are willing to forego to get the bigger, better, more important things.
I love you, I am exited for you, I am worried for you, I am eager to hear from you and you haven't even left yet. Just know that you are exactly who Heavenly Father intended you to be. Continue to fine tune and measure your progress by his promptings and no one else's not even your dad's or my opinions. Live worthy of every blessing he has planned for you which is so much more than you and I can imagine. Go conquer my little warrior. I love you, I love you, I love you!
Your best friend and grateful mother,
Mary
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