Friday, September 6, 2013

Keeping It Real

In the words of Alexander, this morning was "a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" or morning as the case may be.  The long and the short of it was the kids were tired, I was tired, and as I tried to correct their behavior I probably wasn't the most patient.  And realizing that and having already missed the bus, I sat our family down for an impromptu family meeting.  I explained my concerns and frustrations and asked them to help me come up with solutions for our family team to succeed.  Instead they expressed their concerns and frustrations which included but were not limited to, they feel like I don't love them and that I am mean. 

Begin movie sequence of rapidly deteriorating family meeting where everyone is crying, nothing is getting resolved and school will soon be starting.  I cut my loses, we pray as a family and I usher them to the car, feeling totally defeated.  The kids want no good bye kisses or hugs, angry door slamming ensues and I feel like a failure, emotionally - logically I know otherwise.  I return a Redbox movie that we have apparently had for 2 weeks and never finished watching - it was that bad, return overdue library books and commit to declutter my life.  Because in my family, my number one priority, things are slipping through the cracks.

I rush change to go help in at the school where they are expecting me three minutes ago.  I enter to the cheer of the teacher and her hugs on how much she loves me and I almost loose it.  She asks how I am and I answer honestly with, "ehhh".  She gives me a questioning glance which I respond with everyone at our house has cried this morning.  "Have you cried yet" she asks.  Oh yeah.  She laughs, senses my need to let it go and we continue on.  I love her for that.  Small children will not understand why I am crying at 8am.  At the end of volunteering, Issac walks me down to the office to check out.  He now loves me so much and doesn't want me to leave.  We've swung opposite pendulum as time has helped him realize I'm not trying to be mean.  More boring details, but several of the office staff notice the unusual behavior and once he is gone inquire as to what is going on.

Full mental breakdown ensues.  I'm hugged, given words of encouragement, sympathized with and told to go shopping, for a bike ride or do something to spoil myself.  I love that the school staff and faculty are as much my friends as anything.  I leave feeling marginally better.  I come home to hit the daily grind of life when I decide to play the piano for a bit - my soothing balm.  The song Our Savior's Love jumps out at me.  As I play this familiar song thinking the words as I play, the phrase collides into my mind "Loud may the sound of hope ring till all doubt departs" and I know that Heavenly Father has bestowed one of his tender mercies on my conflicted mind.  Peace settles over me, I make the decision to hear the loud toll of hope's bell and purge the negativity with a blog post.  It's over, I'm done and I know more than ever that Heavenly Father does hear my prayers and answers them.  Life is once again good!


Adams said...

No one is a perfect parent and once we realize that, that is when we begin to see real change in our lives. Change that is guided by our Father in Heaven. Just last night I was told, by a friend, to read the article "The Lord Never Shouted At Me" in the Ensign. I haven't yet but will in hopes to help me with a certain little boy who is very headstrong. Though the article is dealing with much bigger issues than I have with this little one, it can still teach me new ways in my parenting that is guided by the Lord. We are all learning Mary. I really enjoyed reading this post. You being honest and real. I really believe that is why you were able to say, "Life is once again good!" in the end.

candice said...

Love your honesty, love you, you are a fantastic grown up! Time will prove that when you see them as adults...too bad you have to wait till then for assurance your efforts are not in vain!