Gael Milestones

Knowing our history is a huge part of confidence and self esteem.  Feeling connected to family and the past helps to anchor us. Because I know these things, I extra worry on behalf of our little foster babies.  It's common for their time in foster care to go unrecorded and unremembered in the way some parents would normally do.  And often even when recorded they move enough that their history gets lost.  It makes me very conscientious about trying to keep and record it.  So if they find me one day again, I can show them pictures, dates, and times, milestones of their life, so they can feel now even if they didn't at some point, how much they were loved and wanted and treasured.

• Roll from stomach to back - Feb 27
• Roll fro back to stomach - Mar 17
• First tooth - April 12
• Second tooth - April 13
• Get up on all fours - May 1
• Third tooth - May 12
• Crawling - May 29
• Fourth tooth - June 3
• Fifth tooth - June 10
• Sixth tooth - June 12
• Pull up to standing - June 14
• Walk first two steps - July 7
• Seventh tooth - July 17
• Eighth tooth - July 26
• Standing without support - Aug 2

What Matters Most

Today I woke up tired, which is never a good start.  Then before it was even 8 am I was in a funk.  It doesn't happen often, but it's hard to not notice when it happens to me.  Before my husband left for work we talked about it and I just shared how frustrated and powerless I felt.  You see just after 7am, I got a text from a CPS employee cancelling the weekly visit between our foster child and his parents.  These weekly two hour visits are a staple of fostering and often very annoying to me, but I understand why they do them and most of the time resolutely comply. In this case though, of the five visits with his parents so far, two of them they have been significantly late to, two they left early from, and today they decided to cancel - an option they have, that I do not - only one visit has gone as it is supposed to.  Most bio parents are overwhelmed with happiness to see their child at visits and sometimes moved to tears from happiness, loss, or some other deep emotion, and occasionally angry and aggressive at the agency, the situation, and even occasionally me.  But, in this child's case, the parents are totally indifferent, which is perhaps the most heartbreaking for me to watch.

And I am feeling better as I have caught up on some work, snuggled my baby, and tried to teach him how to give kisses - a happy endeavor for sure as he practically rips my face off trying to pull it as close to his as he can.  And my thoughts are turned to the movie Instant Family - a heartwarming, hilarious, and mostly accurate portrayal of fostering and fostering to adopt.  So if you have questions about what fostering is like, it does a pretty great job of showing it.  But even more than my desire to have you watch the movie, I need help getting the word out.

At a recent meeting with my Caseworker, a woman who I trust implicitly to take care of our family and take care of these children she has to find placements for, I learned some information that has me feeling sick to my stomach.  Basically in Section 8 of Texas, there are more than 7500 confirmed cases of abuse annually with some so bad that about 200 kids come into care in a month. So the need for foster families is enormous!!!  Of those kids only about 70 of them end up returning to home.  So the need for adoptive families, especially foster to adopt families is almost overwhelming.  In this area and most every other area, we are just not keeping up with the demand.  And that....that puts me in a funk, because I truly believe when we as a society can no longer protect and care for our children, we have failed in some fundamental way. 

The strain on the system and cost and criticism became so intense that the government sold their contract to a private contractor to take over the foster industry in San Antonio.  But alas so far, the incoming results are no more hopeful and I have heard horrific stories of kids being lost, there are just so many, and kids returning to the door step of the agency to be turned away because they didn't have a placement for them yet and due to their contract they are required to place or they are penalized.  So instead they are just rejecting the kids outright. 

As the foster children age, the demand for them decreases, but there are still so many who are under 5 years old, who are ready to be adopted, but are not finding placements and so are staying unnecessarily long in foster families until they can find adoptive families. Our area has about 200 plus children aging out of the system annually, about 17 a month.  The statistics regarding kids who age out are so horrifying I'll let you look at them on your own, but 20% become instantly homeless, 70% of the girls by 21 are pregnant, less than 3% ever earn a college degree, and more than 50% become substance abusers repeating a cycle of viciousness that is near impossible to end.  It's a freaking pandemic and it's one that we rarely talk about.  It's one I am becoming increasingly passionate about. 

So my plea to you today is simple, if you have every known anyone who was interested in adopting, please tell them to check in with their local Child Protective Service Agency.  If you are in the San Antonio area, I will fast track you to who you need to see, because I have a little boy who is just around the bend from needing YOU!  And to every parent who tells me you couldn't foster or even more often you couldn't give the kids back, I swear you can.  I'm not a saint or angel and I'm definitely not somehow lacking in heart(that makes this near impossible task possible for me), because it is hard to get these kids, harder and heartbreaking to give them back, and hard in between, but I promise you - you can do it!  Life is full of hard things, and some of the hardest ones become the most rewarding to look back on, so like I tell my kids - your feelings are irrelevant, if you know what you are supposed to do, stop thinking about how you feel about it and just do it.  In some way or capacity you can help, whether you do Respite (foster babysitting), long term or short term care, permanent care, or whether you connect people to the right resources or spread information, you are needed.  Just start doing it! PLEASE!

Less Often Used Words

I'm not sure.  It's not something I feel, think or say super often.  I'll be the first to admit if I don't know something but even more often I'll look it up as soon as I realize I don't know it.  It's definitely not something I feel a lot.  I tend to steamroll into things, having planned, prepared, and thought it out ahead of time and so I rush full steam making the best of whatever life and the situation brings with no regrets and backwards glances.  Life is too short for second guessing and questioning your own judgment.

But today, I'm not sure.  I'm not sure I know how to grieve.  I'm not sure if there is a proper way.  I know there are 5 stages and even on the first night, my daughter read them from her newly acquired Christmas gift smart phone to me, informing me I'm already on Stage 4.  You see denial seems pointless to me and I did have time to prepare, anger is not something I like to embrace - so I think I spent a good 10 minutes being angry, moved quickly to bargaining and jumped right over it as it didn't seem useful to me either.  I'm not looking to change what happened, so here I am at depression?  Is that right?  Am I depressed?  Well I don't have the normal signs.  I can function for my kids, my husband, I'm sleeping fine'ish'.  Not as great as normal, but I'm an expert sleeper so no other human would look at my sleep and be worried. 

You see I'm sad because one of our foster kids went back to his bio mom.  And despite doing this more than a half dozen times already, this time it's totally different. I'm not sure if it was because he was a baby versus an older child, you see he was my first baby to foster.  I picked him up from the hospital.  So I guess only time will tell.  But it's really interesting because the level of sadness I've felt has only been matched one other time and that was when my husband and I broke up when we were dating, even then I felt so confident we would end up together it wasn't so crushing or maybe that's the softening of 17 years coming and going.

As I drove to return him to his mother, I struggled not to cry.  I didn't want my fair skin and light eyes to show any signs of crying.  I didn't want his bio mom to be robbed of one moment's joy and worry about my sadness at the return of her baby.  So I held it together. I felt happiness seeing her joy.  My heart was filled with the knowledge that this is why I foster for this moment.  And I kept it together through the exchange of stuff, details, and numbers.  It wasn't until she was settled and ready to return home that I sensed what could be awkwardness and so I said my goodbyes and rushed out.  Breathing the deep, counted breathing that has gotten me through life's biggest crisis.  But once I hit the safety of my car, I cried - the sobbing, can't breath cries of the truly heartbroken.  I drove home quickly to the safety of my home and son who had just gotten off the bus.  I lost myself in taking care of him and the monotony of life's demands. 

But moments would grab me and crush my heart and as the pain clamped down, the hiccupping sobs would surprise and overcome me.  They'd last just a few minutes, before I pulled it back together.  I made a mass announcement on social media knowing I couldn't have this conversation a hundred times in the next few days "where's the baby?"  So here I am three days later.  I'm gripped by sadness still, crying when I think about it, crying as I write this, but I'm also sniffing car seats and washed laundry still smelling baby remnants smiling happily at what my husband and daughter deem the smell of baby spit up.  But it's the smell of him and I have a piece of him still.  I happily watch videos of him and I playing, look at all the pictures and think what a marvelous opportunity this was.  And I feel unsure if I should rush into getting another baby or wait.  I feel unsure if I will ever love another baby like I did this last one. 

But ever the eternal optimist, I think I am ready to jump back in and try it again.  Not sure if I can love as much, not sure if it will be the same or different, not sure if it was the fact that he was a baby that made our bond so strong, or a preemie who clung to life, or if it was his naturally happy and mellow temperament that made our cuddle sessions into a dreamlike quality.  But I can do this again.  So does that make me at acceptance.  And was I always there.  Is acceptance the stage where I have acknowledged every aspect quickly and successively, but allowed myself to feel the pain, to cry the tears, to try again.  And even if I am shocked by surprise tears, I'm just as shocked at my resilience.

And here's hoping that when I contact his mom in a week or so that she will be open to visits, because all I really need is to see him happy to be happy.  I'll never understand how our kids become our whole hearts.  But it's what happens. So here's my declaration that I'm willing to give another piece of control of my heart to someone else.  Love your kids, love your families, love your friends and neighbors.  Go love, that is the one thing I am always sure about! 

Wee Ones

Baby fever is in full effect.  I've never been a baby person, but fostering a wee one has changed my perspective.  Maybe it is still just with "my" kids, but fostering a newborn has been the perfect thing for me right now in life.  I wonder how I'll remember this time in 1 year, 5 years, 20. 

We got this perfect, premature, little bundle straight from the hospital.  He was 9 weeks old, but being born at 29 weeks and 2 lbs 10 oz made his stay slightly longer than normal.  After visiting him in the hospital, scurrying to borrow, beg, and buy all the baby gear all over again, we brought him home.  He was still just 5 lbs even. 

We had so many appointments at first: weekly weigh ins, weekly blood work, follow up appointments for his eyes, ears, anemia, monthly RSV vaccines, along with all the normal stuff.  He went from fitting in 1 hand, being attached to tubes and looking a bit like an alien, to the old man phase and just now at just shy of 5 months he has finally found the sweet chubby splendor of a newborn.  I think tomorrow his weigh in will put him at the 10 pound mark. 

Our biggest hurdles now are constipation, developmental delays and the fact that he is healthy enough that he doesn't just sleep all the time anymore.  On the upside, he has started with teeny tiny giggles, lots of talking and cooing, endless smiles for his mama and lots of strangers too, great feeding habits and sleeping through the night.  What happens from here I don't know and to every person asking about adoption, I just don't think that way.  But for now it's beautifully perfect.

 

Fall Fest and Fall Dance

 

So our middle school is grades 5-8, a huge spread at that age but they really do keep them pretty separate from one another.  Case in point in the fall the 5th and 6th graders have a Fall Fest, where they play games, eat junk food and win prizes.  The 7th and 8th graders have a school dance where they "dance", eat junk food and take group pictures at the photo booth.  I've helped with the fall fest, never the dance.

This year I did both.  It was fine.  A lot of line/group dances, not so much the middle school shuffle of awkward slow songs.  I'm okay with that.  Wyatt ran around playing games against his friends and despite his small size he's not afraid of a little trash talk and competition.  I love this boy!



And because my friends keep asking me, where I've been and why I'm not even posting on facebook that much, here's a summary of my life this past month or two not already covered by pictures and stories here:

Foster Care and Parent Visits
Splits with the Sister Missionaries
Finishing the Cross Country Season and Banquet
Farm Show Madness and Wrap Up Banquet
Setting Up the Non Existent Book Fair
Brother and His Family For Dinner
Dentist Appointments
Subbing for a Volleyball League
PTO Meetings
Helping at the Nursing Home
Visiting Teaching
Omega Field Trip (Oh, I have pics - I should post about that)
Computer Crash and Restoration
Birthday Parties
Being Released and Getting a New Calling at Church
Fundraising Events (WCM Auction, Extraordinary Give, Manheim Car Show, etc...)
Choir
Hosting Class Parties at Halloween (Also post worthy)
Meals for Friends
Seeing Newsies in Philly
Halloween Parties
Writing Competitions (for the kids)
Book Clubs
Play Dates
Temple Trips
Helping at the Middle School (clothing drive, fall fest, book fair)
Parent/Teacher Conferences and Report Cards
Board Meetings
Classroom Help
Planning Vacations (couple - January, family - July)
Hosting Baby Showers (forthcoming)
Feeding the Masses (seriously, always extras)
Getting the Boys Ready for New Placement, Packing
Prepping for Thanksgiving Trip to Texas
and a whole lot of other stuff.

And don't get me wrong, I choose to do it, I love to do it, I think it is important, valuable and worthy of my time.  So don't think this is me complaining.  But when you ask, half the time I can't remember and the other half it'd take too long to tell you so I don't even bother.  But here's the record, just in case you really care.  But I love and miss my friends too.  So call anytime, I'm ready to play too!

It's Hard

Foster Care isn't for everyone.  It's not for most people.  I'm not sure it's for me.  It is something I truly feel like I am inspired to do.  In my most logical, reasonable moments I think I am good at it and a good fit for it.  But in my worrisome mothering moments and emotional state - I worry and wonder that someone else could do it better, that I'm not doing it right, that I'm further traumatizing these kids who have already suffered so much at the hands of adults.

There is so much about the "system" that makes me batty.  If you had a day, I'd tell you all about it.  I'll spare you here.  That being said...I've learned so much - good and bad about myself, about humanity, everything in general.  My kids have gained so much from doing it and I really do believe in people helping people whenever they can.  I have felt enriched by each child who has entered our home, whether for a day or two years. 

As part of the "system", they host Resource Parent Events quarterly.  They always end up being lovely.  It's a guaranteed, good family fun day.  The fall is an event at Oregon Dairy to pick pumpkins, take hay rides, go through corn mazes, a free dinner, and games galore.  Thanks to everyone who helps with these.

RPA Event

Being a resource parent can sometimes be super challenging. 

But then there are days like this:

where everyone is getting along,

and listening fairly well,

and are all smiles.

These are the days I wait for!

Foster Parenting and Christ-like Love

Learning about the nature of God and trying to be like him are the major tenants of most any Christian religion, even mine.  I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, known to some as Mormon.  And as the name clearly states, we are Christians.  The idea that Jesus Christ is our Redeemer and that we can't be saved except for through the selfless act of his death and ensuing resurrection is the premise to what we believe.

But let me tell you a little backstory to what we believe also.  And here is where it may vary a bit from some other religions.  Note:  I'm changing tense to tell you what I believe because if I am inaccurate on any part - blame me, instead of  my church, as I am by no means an official spokesperson or always absolutely accurate.  For those kinds of answers look to their/our website www.lds.org.

I believe that before we came to earth we lived with God.  I imagine it was heavenly - figuratively and literally.  I think of my most perfect day multiplied by hundreds.  One day our Heavenly Father explained to us (all of his children, everyone who has ever lived on Earth) that it was important for us to learn right from wrong, good from evil, and to make choices for ourselves.  This ability to choose was an irrefutable law of eternity and God that needed to be maintained.  So he set up a plan and taught us about it.  He told us he would send us to Earth, that we wouldn't be able to remember living with him but that he would give us opportunities to learn about him as well as a gift, the Holy Ghost, to help us know him, recognize him and feel when something was true or not.  With this life here on Earth, we were expected to learn and choose, to decide for ourselves if we wanted to continue this beyond happy existence in the presence of our Heavenly Father that we had already known.

He knew that some people would make mistakes, choose unwisely, not learn as much, as easily, or as early on in life and others.  Pair this with the fact that our spirits(souls) would be housed in these physical bodies that would be imperfect, age and eventually die - he created a solution.  He offered up the idea of a sacrificial son who would help us overcome both physical death and spiritual death (removed from the presence of God).  Someone who would come to the Earth, live perfectly, die without sin, and in the process accept the weight and strain of every physical and spiritual life and sin to ever exist.  That through his perfection, he could assume the responsibility of other's imperfections.  That way when we returned to our Heavenly Father after we died here, we would have someone to advocate on our behalf that despite our mistakes we desired to enter Heaven and his presence again.  These notions are commonly known as sin, repentance, forgiveness, and eternal life etc...

Someone else in this discussion stepped forward with the concern that so many would be lost in this plan.  So many would choose temporary pleasures over eternal happiness.  So many would not return, would unknowingly choose otherwise.  Heavenly Father heard the concerns of this man, reiterated the need for a Savior and asked for a volunteer.  It was at this point that Jesus Christ stepped forward and said, send me.  He knew it would be beyond hard, but trusted that God's plan was necessary and perfect.  The opposition was strong as people worried, and the leader of that opposition - Satan fought for the idea that we should send people but take away choice and instead somehow force all to choose the right. Many agreed with him.

In the end that plan was overturned by God as his chosen method.  But those who wanted that plan could indeed follow Satan, many did - conceivably 1/3 of all the spirits that God had created went with him.  But the remaining 2/3 were sent forth to enact His plan starting with the first two people Adam and Eve.   And here we are...

As a child I had no love for Satan's plan.  As a feisty little girl the word force, however well intentioned, never sat well with me as I learned this story.  Maybe it was the Holy Ghost giving me the gentle nudge of reminder that I had already known but forgotten - that choice was a huge part of living eternally in Heaven.

Well you see sometimes life is the greatest teacher.  I became a parent myself and by no means do I think I am on the same playing field as Jesus Christ or my Heavenly Father, but as a Christian my intrinsic desire to know more about them and learn to be like them leaves them as my comparison of how I should act.  So many aspects of parenthood brought the nuances of this plan home for me.  And after 9 years or so of normal parenting, I decided to become a foster parent.  My ideas of these plans has been enlarged even more.

You see as a parent, I have loved more deeply than ever before, even as I have watched my kids make dumb choices.  It kills me a little each time inside.  And each situation they face, I try to help them by giving them knowledge, by setting things up to their maximum advantage when possible and by giving them advocates/mentors to help them along the way.  And the heartbreaking sadness I felt when they still didn't succeed was wrenching, but I knew that despite the temporary setback that they could still learn from this situation and hopefully come out more victorious with the next situation.  It was as a parent that I learned more about Heavenly Father.

Then as a foster parent, I watched as battered, bruised and tentative children came to me.  Each with a background and story vastly different but intrinsically the same.  Something had happened with their parents that had made others worry about the child's safety.  For that reason they came into my care.  As I tried to love these children, heal them and build the odds in their favor for the future I learned more about Satan.  I saw a little more the long term consequences and long reaching effects of bad choices and how it affects a multitude of people outside of the chooser.  I saw the intrinsic appeal to want to force parents/people to stop being selfish, ignorant (not derogatively but literally) and thoughtless.

I hated seeing the consequences of all this choice.  I found myself thinking that I knew better and if I could just get more people to listen to me, we wouldn't have some of these problems.  I knew it was wrong, however well intentioned.  I knew my feelings closely mirrored those of Satan.  I knew that I had picked God's plan by my mere presence of being here on Earth as proof.  So I did what I have done a thousand times in my life and will probably do a thousand more.  I got down on my knees and prayed - for more knowledge, for more patience but most importantly for more charity - the pure love of Christ.  I prayed that he would show me how to love these children when they sometimes acted unloving.  I prayed that he would show me how and why he loved their parents, I prayed that I would remember each time I saw them that they were his children too and that he wanted their return to Heaven to live with him as strongly as he wanted mine.  I prayed to realize that their value in his eyes was equal to mine. 

And it's amazing because it came.  Not with some life changing moment, but with simple thoughts and increased service on their behalf.   Because as I tried to work with the parents, saw their pure and unselfish desires - small at times but still there-, set things up for their favor, worked to help them succeed and get them a mentor of their own I have come to know how strong God's love is. 

And yesterday, as I released our first child through the County, after a year and a half, return back to his parents' care, I felt a peace I didn't expect to feel.  It's not based on the knowledge that his parents won't ever mess up again or that everything will be okay for this child from here on out, but that Heavenly Father really is over this whole life.  This is his Plan, the Plan of Salvation, that he sees more than me, he knows more than me, and he cares and loves the children and parents more deeply than me.  And if I trust and believe that...the peace comes.  It may not stop the occasional tears of my own loss, but it eases it.  It fills me with hope, pushes me forward and focuses me back on the important things of life - my choices, my family and the little children, both through biology and circumstance, he has entrusted me to care for. 

I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus

End of Year Madness - Oh My!

If you had doubts about my sanity before, well then let me assure you I am for sure insane currently.  Every mother feels a little frazzled at the end of the school year.  I am exactly one week away from the last half day of school; it's so close, but still unreachable or at least it feels that way.  So I just keep breaking it down to smaller chunks of time so I don't get overwhelmed.  Each morning, I repeat the mantra: "I just gotta survive today."  And it's been that way the whole month of May.  Here's what we've been up to:

Women's Club of Manheim Adopted a Block
Softball and Play practice galore
Softball games every Tuesday and Thursday
Math Night at Doe Run
Temple Trip to Washington DC
Graduation Parties (x3)
Cinco De Mayo Party
Celebrity Scoop Fundraiser
Board Meetings, Monthly Meetings and Presidency Meetings (WCM, PTO, Primary, Library, etc...)
- that's a whole lot of meetings if you get my drift
Weekly volunteering in the boys' classrooms
Spring Cleaning
Foster Care Training
Foster Care Recertification
Choir Concerts, Orchestra Concerts
First Grade Musical
Day Camp planning
Taxes finalized - ugghhh
Teacher Appreciation Week
Thank you gifts for officers (Order, prep, deliver)
Working at the School Store
4 Newspaper articles and photo shoots to Promo different events
Parental Visits galore
Lots of end-of-year Field Trips
Special Auxiliary Training
Middle School Book Fair
End of Year Carnival at the Elementary School
Dental visits
Many abandoned Book Clubs "Ain't nobody got time for that"
Relief Society Socials
End of Year Banquet
Order, Sort and Deliver Yearbooks (add a final sale for those who forgot to order originally)
Field Day Instruction
Scholarship Banquet
Activity Day and Scouts
Sporting Tournaments
Barnstormer Baseball Game
Memorial Day Picnic
Hiking
BBQ's
Planning, helping, and/or running fundraisers (Manheim Rock n' Glow 5K and RAINN em in)
Buying, making, sewing costumes for RAINN
Regular and Skype Assembly at the Middle School
Breakfast with Friends (a girl has to take a break every now and again)
Attend Bella's musical 3 out of 4 Show times
Run a mile fun run with younger kids, turn around and run a 5K with Bella
Clean Up Race starting at 11pm
Bake for a bake sale
Bake for end of year parties
Race a human powered horse for hours while eating and playing with friends

So that covers May through the end of the weekend June 2nd.  And next week...well I'll let you know how it went if I survive.  (Pictures to come)

In Breaking News:

1.  The birth control came in on Saturday, before I ran out.  Hooray.

2.  I am selling a big old bird cage and a children's train table with all the parts if anyone is interested in buying them or just one or the other.

3.  Manheim had Community Days at Pleasant View.  Bella danced - May 5.  Man she is a gorgeous angel of grace.  I'll never know where it came from, but she amazes me constantly.  The boys played on bounce castles, all rode the barrel wagons, we ate junk food and won free stuff.  It was a good day.

4.  Travis was home last week.  I finally am uploading some of the pics.  The kids riding bikes, Wyatt relearns riding a training wheel free bike.  Bella and Wyatt rock climb a dirt mountain from the builders.  Travis returns to Wyoming :(

5.  Bella has an orchestra concert, two field trips, and it was a crazy busy week this past week.  So busy that my mom came over to help me stay afloat.  Aren't moms great.  She also got to see the said orchestra concert, the boys play baseball - May 10, and me run a million miles a minute.

6.  In other news I am up to six kids.  Like being single mom to four kids isn't enough, I can't help but adopt all the strays.  Having been PTO president we had an influx of neighborhood kids this year at our house.  Two have stuck.  Without going into all the details, these two probably could benefit from a little extra TLC.  I've always wanted foster kids, who needs all the paperwork and home visits when you can just do it this way.  They are over every day, eat dinner with us at least three nights a week, and wait patiently for us in the backyard for us to return home when we have gone out.  I love these boys. 

7.  Mother's Day was a lot of fun and I acquired oodles of plants and some fresh flowers too.  See my own greenhouse.