Is It Really Failure?

This week was a week of misses and near misses.  Travis was in a "Biggest Loser" competition through his work.  The competition ran from January through the end of March.  Each week they would weigh in on Fridays and a leaderboard was published on Mondays.  Prizes would be awareded to the top three biggest losers based on percent lost.  Travis has been in the lead the last few weeks, but Monday he learned that he dropped to 2nd place by .04%.  It was so close.  He was disappointed, but he is pretty resilient and when we spoke I reminded him that he would still get a prize even if it wasn't the one he had set his heart on, he had lost 27lbs in 3 months, and he was enjoying food more than ever before as he made much more conscious choices and eliminated so much junk food.  So I have to ask, did he really fail?

Then Wyatt yesterday shouts, I knew it.  Immediately I was worried.  He was waiting on National Honors Society officer results for next year, his senior year.  He had not been awarded an officer role, but he had correctly predicted every person in their particular role that was chosen.  Clearly he was disappointed to not become the President which was his hope, but he decided it would probably be okay to not have an additional responsibility next year. He was still confident about his leadership skills, knew he was academically doing just fine, and has been granted many other opportunities to lead in and out of school. Additionally he got his SAT scores back and he wasn't sure how to feel.  He hadn't gotten a perfect score, but he still did quite well.  I asked him what score he had hoped for and he admitted he hadn't really set a goal at all.  So I had to ask him, did you really fail then?

Last, as I near the end of my Master's Program I have just my Internship 1 and Internship 2 to finish.  This requires an interviewing, application process, and basically a matching program.  You ideally apply to 3-5 places.  Within a short period not only my school, but the two other graduate schools with counseling students all apply simultaneously.  There are limited positions, high hour demands need to be met and if the position you are seeking can't supply enough hours you need to get a second internships site, additionally you need to get a certain amount of individual counseling done as well as group counseling.  It gets sort of cut throat competitive in San Antonio in end of March. I finished interviewing today at three sights.  First sight had over 50 apply, 20 interview and were accepting 2 interns.  Second sight only allowed 20 to apply, 12 interview, but had 4 spots.  The last sight had about 50 apply, most interviewed, but only 10 spots.  I'm still waiting to hear what happens with two of them, but today I was offered one position on the spot before they even finished with the interviewing process.  So even if I don't get my first choice, I ask myself - have I really failed?

My friend and I were talking about this the other day.  In the world we live, there are so many opportunities, experiences, adventures, and choices.  Often it can feel overwhelming. It can almost feel like if you aren't getting the thing you want most that you are failing, but I reminded her that we live in a world where more often than not we are deciding between two great choices, when we fell short of our goals we are still reaching amazing growth opportunities, when we don't win we are still winning.  Truly we are blessed, living in prosperous times, and setting and achieving amazing things within our families, our communities, and our churches.  It really is true that failing forward is not failing at all!

A Pat on the Back

So something happened this week.  I got a compliment in person, paired with a compliment the next day via email.  They were from the same person, one a continuation of the other.  They were really meaningful though and I wanted to tell someone about it.  So...

Dear Diary,
Yesterday I had a Zoom meeting with one of my Professors.  Yes I say professors because I am back in Grad School.  Grad School I have told next to no one about.  Why you ask?  Well you won't be the first or the last, so I will explain it as best I can.  One I am super excited about it.  And I feel like when I tell other people about it, they will ask all kinds of questions.  Albeit, with loving and generous intentions, but I know I don't have the answers to the standard questions they have.
1.  Why did you go back to school?
A:  This has a hundred different reasons and depending on my mood the answer would vary.  The short is that I felt inspired to by the Lord.  The long answer has to do with a 20 year latent agenda that I am fulfilling despite reconciling just years ago that I would probably never complete this part of my life.
2.  What do you think you will do once you get your degree?
A.  I have no flaming idea.  I have some guesses, but for now they are just that.  And because I am someone who believes you should say what you mean and mean what you say...I don't want to be held to those guesses, nor be looked at like a crazy person when I say I have no idea.  I have learned that I can wait on the Lord's answers, to be more patient in knowing what the future holds.  It is still such a new and fragile lesson learned that I don't want or need the pressure of people who haven't learned that lesson getting me worked up over something I have peace over for now.

Last, I don't want to feel and know the reactions of people.  Call it great people skills, intuition, mind reading, but often I feel like I know what people are thinking.  Quite frankly I know that people's responses to this will be varied and that is their right.  But for something I am so excited over, I don't want to feel any negativity, doubt, questioning, judgement, hostility, or competition about it.  Therefore I am in my current predicament of having shared the information with a few who are closest to me and wanting to share but with limited outlets.  Lucky for me I have a blog that preserves my life and the life of my kids with very little readership now that social media is all the rage.  But happily for me I still print my blog books every few years as a family history to be passed on.

So now back to my experience, I am in my Zoom meeting with my professor who wants to get to know me despite remote learning class systems.  We meet and she asks me to tell her a little about me, I don't remember the specific question, but something along the lines of tell me something about yourself that makes you different from others while helping me get to know you.  Something that is unique to you.

I shared with her that one of my biggest priorities in life was to leave every person I have contact with feeling a little happier, a little better about themselves, a little more loved by me and by God because of their encounter with me.  She was surprised and a little wowed.  Bear in mind this professor is middle aged, I can't tell if she is older or younger than me, and I don't know how much she has read my file to know how old I am or about my life.  But I know on a regular basis people think I am younger than I am.  So after absorbing this for some time and her working through the reconciliation of this return, she asks me so what do you get out of this?  "Why do this, what's in it for you?"  I paused for a moment and then responded that religion was a big part of my life and played the biggest role in shaping my values and beliefs and that by doing this, I thought it was the best way I could fulfill the measure of my creation.  She shook her head and said wow that's deep.  A lot deeper than I expected.  As we continued to talk she asked more about my religion and we had a great conversation about that - yay missionary moment.

But as we continued on she said, when I talk to you I can feel your happiness and warmth and light.  Even when I had read your written submitted work I could feel that happiness and light.  I felt so pleased, because I promise I am not trying to write with happiness and light but get the work done efficiently and quickly.  She said that is was wonderful talking to me, because she felt better having done it and she felt pleased to be able to know me, she thought I was quite remarkable.  I got off glowing, this idea of light had been hit many times this week because of virtual girls camp and it being our theme.  So with the conclusion of camp, this glowing compliment, and giving myself a reprieve from every worry of every person I haven't been successful with in my goal, I just gratefully sucked it all in.  Travis had overheard the conversation and lovingly teased me and I thought that would be the end of it.

But no, the next day I got an email from her saying, "you are an exceptional student and a brilliant person."  You see why I had to share, not because it is so remarkable to get words of affirmation from someone, but to have such a deep and personal conversation about those things you hold most special and close to you and to feel like that person came away understanding you and liking every component too.  Maybe it is her counselor superpower, but I am pleased nonetheless.
Love, Mary