So something happened this week. I got a compliment in person, paired with a compliment the next day via email. They were from the same person, one a continuation of the other. They were really meaningful though and I wanted to tell someone about it. So...
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I had a Zoom meeting with one of my Professors. Yes I say professors because I am back in Grad School. Grad School I have told next to no one about. Why you ask? Well you won't be the first or the last, so I will explain it as best I can. One I am super excited about it. And I feel like when I tell other people about it, they will ask all kinds of questions. Albeit, with loving and generous intentions, but I know I don't have the answers to the standard questions they have.
1. Why did you go back to school?
A: This has a hundred different reasons and depending on my mood the answer would vary. The short is that I felt inspired to by the Lord. The long answer has to do with a 20 year latent agenda that I am fulfilling despite reconciling just years ago that I would probably never complete this part of my life.
2. What do you think you will do once you get your degree?
A. I have no flaming idea. I have some guesses, but for now they are just that. And because I am someone who believes you should say what you mean and mean what you say...I don't want to be held to those guesses, nor be looked at like a crazy person when I say I have no idea. I have learned that I can wait on the Lord's answers, to be more patient in knowing what the future holds. It is still such a new and fragile lesson learned that I don't want or need the pressure of people who haven't learned that lesson getting me worked up over something I have peace over for now.
Last, I don't want to feel and know the reactions of people. Call it great people skills, intuition, mind reading, but often I feel like I know what people are thinking. Quite frankly I know that people's responses to this will be varied and that is their right. But for something I am so excited over, I don't want to feel any negativity, doubt, questioning, judgement, hostility, or competition about it. Therefore I am in my current predicament of having shared the information with a few who are closest to me and wanting to share but with limited outlets. Lucky for me I have a blog that preserves my life and the life of my kids with very little readership now that social media is all the rage. But happily for me I still print my blog books every few years as a family history to be passed on.
So now back to my experience, I am in my Zoom meeting with my professor who wants to get to know me despite remote learning class systems. We meet and she asks me to tell her a little about me, I don't remember the specific question, but something along the lines of tell me something about yourself that makes you different from others while helping me get to know you. Something that is unique to you.
I shared with her that one of my biggest priorities in life was to leave every person I have contact with feeling a little happier, a little better about themselves, a little more loved by me and by God because of their encounter with me. She was surprised and a little wowed. Bear in mind this professor is middle aged, I can't tell if she is older or younger than me, and I don't know how much she has read my file to know how old I am or about my life. But I know on a regular basis people think I am younger than I am. So after absorbing this for some time and her working through the reconciliation of this return, she asks me so what do you get out of this? "Why do this, what's in it for you?" I paused for a moment and then responded that religion was a big part of my life and played the biggest role in shaping my values and beliefs and that by doing this, I thought it was the best way I could fulfill the measure of my creation. She shook her head and said wow that's deep. A lot deeper than I expected. As we continued to talk she asked more about my religion and we had a great conversation about that - yay missionary moment.
But as we continued on she said, when I talk to you I can feel your happiness and warmth and light. Even when I had read your written submitted work I could feel that happiness and light. I felt so pleased, because I promise I am not trying to write with happiness and light but get the work done efficiently and quickly. She said that is was wonderful talking to me, because she felt better having done it and she felt pleased to be able to know me, she thought I was quite remarkable. I got off glowing, this idea of light had been hit many times this week because of virtual girls camp and it being our theme. So with the conclusion of camp, this glowing compliment, and giving myself a reprieve from every worry of every person I haven't been successful with in my goal, I just gratefully sucked it all in. Travis had overheard the conversation and lovingly teased me and I thought that would be the end of it.
But no, the next day I got an email from her saying, "you are an exceptional student and a brilliant person." You see why I had to share, not because it is so remarkable to get words of affirmation from someone, but to have such a deep and personal conversation about those things you hold most special and close to you and to feel like that person came away understanding you and liking every component too. Maybe it is her counselor superpower, but I am pleased nonetheless.
Love, Mary
