Things That Make You Go Hmmm

I've read articles that correlate people's ability to perceive body language and emotional atmosphere better to children of alcoholics.  Basically the thinking is that due to volatile nature of things, they become more attuned to cues that other people miss.  Well I happen to believe the same is true of people who grew up in physically abusive households.  And I should probably research it, but my main evidence is my siblings and myself.  For a lot of my life, I could feel people's emotions even without seeing their face though.  And I would guess that most people can tell you a time in their life when they could feel an emotion palpably in their life.  It has it's own weight and texture and feeling that is very physical, but me I can feel these emotional regularly.  I wouldn't go so far as daily, but for sure weekly and I think if I tried to tune into it could probably have it happen more frequently.  But the unwelcome weight of others feelings and thoughts and emotions can sometimes be a burden and especially if you are more sensitive to the negative emotions than the positive ones.  It's hard to know what to do as a young child to see an adult and know instinctually that they struggle with a very real and severe case of depression.  And it's even harder to know how you would even go about explaining that to someone who wants evidence of why you believe what you do.

In the most general sense of this word you have a very empathetic person.  This is often revered and desired.  And to be sure, everyone in my family is very empathetic.  Now how we handle that empathy seems to me to be the great dividing line of my family.  Recently I read the book Beartown.  Holy terrifying and good read, but I'll save that topic for another day.  A truly remarkable author can help the reader to feel the emotions, to understand the characters, and to feel a part of the story and Fredrik Backman is for sure a master at that.  But what he can do for the normal reader is a sensory overload for a reader like myself.  I may have cried, felt physically ill, and worried and stressed over these fictional characters.  And as I pondered why I read books like this, that affect me so physically, I finally drew my own conclusions - likely fallible and flawed.  But here they are...I read because to know someone's story to feel all the emotions, to truly understand humanity, is an amazing and wonderful gift.  It is a gift that through reading I can pick up and put down as necessary, but store the info for a later time when I will need it. 

And I have learned that managing this gift is a challenge.  A challenge that in some ways I have felt more equipped to deal with than others in my family.  In a family of empaths sometimes the burden of your own intense emotions coupled with the crippling intensity of other's emotions can be overwhelming.  So it is no surprise to me, that half of my family is on some type of medication to help stabilize mood and anxiety and depression.  And some have sought self medicating as their own way of dealing.  And then I look inward and wonder why I haven't felt like I needed that.  Sometimes I wonder if my empathy is only a drop in the bucket compared to what my siblings can feel.  Sometimes I wonder if it is a result of deeper faith in a Supreme God, who though I don't understand, I trust implicitly and just shy of totally.  I suspect my siblings wouldn't like that conclusion.  I wonder if it has to do with the sheer amount of energy I output in a given day.  My ability to work and stay busy is often marveled at.  So do I use all that emotional energy and channel it in to work.  Or do I use work as a way to compartmentalize all that emotion.  I can't say for sure yet. 

What I do know and realize though, is that this same faith in God, reminds me that he needs us all to be different, to have different strengths and weaknesses.  He needs people who experience the same thing to perceive it differently and internalize it uniquely so that he has a million different people to bless one another and reach out to one another and to minister to one another in a way no one else can.  He needs each one of us, because he has created a perfect plan where we need one another and he sends us to answer the call.  So even though I don't begin to understand all He does, I know implicitly He understands it all.  And so I will try to totally be faithful in carrying out his plan to use my own unique circumstances to help and serve others in a way that he has created me uniquely to do.