It Might Be...

For many years I've been dealing with social situations thinking, I think something is off about me.  Especially girl social situations.  I listen as all the girls talk and agree about things and think to myself these people are nutso.  They are like a whole foreign species to me.  Although most any social situation will leave me baffled about something.

I have joked with Travis that I am more boy than girl.  We'll both laugh realizing it is true in a lot of ways.  I am not very emotional, I don't need or even like going to the bathroom in groups, I would rather die than have to fake socialize through any situation, I'm not a dainty eater, and I would rather have two good friends than a hundred mediocre friends. 

For many years I chalked it up to living with five brothers and being on the younger side.  They were very male, machismo is the word that describes them perfectly.  I just assumed that I hadn't learned the girl code naturally in my younger years as others had.  But as I tried to learn these behaviors through college and on, I found I didn't really want to learn them and I found it was even bigger than just the girl situation.

Then while watching tv I watched an interview with a man who was adult, married and struggling within his marriage.  It eventually told of his diagnoses with being on the autism spectrum but not finding out until adulthood.  As I listened to him I could relate to many of his stories.  But I didn't honestly think it was me.  I mean I am functioning in society and my daily life just fine and my marriage is rock solid.

But then they told of a test, AQ.  It was an autism quotient test geared towards adults.  The average score was 16.4.  Most people 80+ % who scored over 32 were eventually diagnosed as autistic in some way through more extensive testing.  My curiosity got the better of me and I went to take the test.  My score was a 31, hot mama.  I really didn't think I was on the scale, but that score came back a lot higher than I had anticipated.

I'm still pretty sure I'm just a girl who was raised with a lot of testosterone, by parents who were and taught brutal honesty.  Between those two things I guess I may never fit in with the masses, but even if it never amounts to anything - I'm starting to wonder...is it me who is nutso after all.