What Does It All Mean?

I know that everything isn't all about me, but let's be honest a lot of it is - in my life anyway. Okay with that being said recently I have realized upon a little mental quandry. With the new digital age and internet networking I have been reconnected with tons of friends and "boyfriends" of long ago. Now to my benefit I have had boyfriends, but I feel the quotes need added, because none were long term nor were any very serious.

Well quite a while back I found that one particular boy whom I was very good friends with and who had asked me to several dances and I went to my senior prom with turns out to be homosexual. Well he was never a boyfriend and he was quite effemenate in high school and so the admission was not really that surprising. But I couldn't help but wonder why he would ask me to so many dances and out so frequently in general. Was he gay then? Unsure? Why bother with me if he was? What did this all mean?

My brain was beseiged with questions and so I did what any self preserving woman does and I put it to the back of my mind never to be contemplated again. Although my nagging worry remained, what if I wouldn't have rejected this boys advances so frequently would that have made any difference.

Now swing to near present. I stumble upon another boy who was a good friend of mine. One of my best friends in 9th grade. When we had classes together we were partners and I loved his sense of humor. He was reasonable handsome and so when he wrote me a note asking if I would be his girlfriend, I replied yes. I mean I adored the boy. But later at lunch when my friends found out I am ashamed to admit they teased me and I surcame to the peer pressure and either later that day or the next broke up with him once again via letter. My sister let me know that she thought it was a mistake, but I my friends had convinced me that he was not my type, read cool enough.

Since high school he has been one of my biggest regrets. I had rebuffed this guy who I adored for no other reason than he didn't meet the social approval of the "in" crowd. I have dreamed about him, thought about him, and wished I would have been strong enough to stand up to my peers countless times. Recently I find him on facebook and what should my eyes behold but him appearing to be gay as best as I can tell from his facebook profile. It's not subtle so just assume I'm right here, because I am. What does this mean?

Seriously did I scar these men? Was I someone safe, a cover perhaps? In the movies more often than not the men unsure in their sexual preferences have paired up with a girl who more often than not ends up being a lesbian. Should I be a lesbian? Am I a lesbian? Well obviously not, but what is with the men in my past, these are just two examples that are closer to me. All of the questions are back in the forefront of my brain. What does this mean?

Tell me, dear reader, I implore you!